“… I cry to you for help, O Lord; in the morning my prayer comes before you.” ~ Psalm 88:13
I woke up one day this week afraid that I’m trying to kid myself and I’m not going to get well. I wonder if this cough that’s plaguing me is really the cancer taking over rather than simple allergies. Some days it’s hard to act healed.
My eye catches the picture of the woman touching the hem of Jesus robe that is hanging on the wall across the room from my prayer chair. I’m going to grab hold and hang onto his robe today. I think I had better tie myself to it in case my arms and hands get tired of hanging on. Then he can just drag me along with him because I’m not giving up.
“Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don’t give up.” ~ Anne Lamott
I try but the state of my health tells me how many fears I still have. These are old fears. I thought they were healed and gone. Why are they here now? I’m afraid of so many things still – Travelling in a car, train, or airplane. War. Homelessness – I’ve been there a couple of times. Hunger – here also, not being loved, death and dying, drowning – I almost did or at least I thought so, not being able to breath. etc. These fears rear their ugly heads. I’m a died in the wool scaredy cat, it seems. What do these fears have in common? What are they saying to me?
After sitting with my questions for a few minutes, I realize that they all have to do with control or, rather, feelings of not being able to control things. I didn’t know these were still there. This is a biggie. I certainly need to stay tucked inside the hem of Jesus’ robe. All these negative thoughts, my anxiety, etc. are, most likely, from the evil one who would try to cause me to give up on trusting God.
So, what to do? The cure or antidote to these fears is most likely gratitude and giving thanks to God. Gratitude gets us out of ourselves. But, as our Trinity Way of Life says, we need practice. If we don’t practice, we forget. Or maybe it’s just me. I forget.
Today, among other things, I am grateful for the gift of life, meeting and lunch with soul friends, for the many pray-ers who pray for me and others. There are so many more things to thank God for. To be grateful for. I’m thankful for the new snow. Not only because it brings much needed moisture, but also because it is beautiful. I checked on it when I was up walking around in the middle of the night. As it came down and lay on the ground, some of the flakes sparkled and twinkled like diamonds as they caught light from surrounding street lights. It was like they were lit from within by God light. Perhaps, they were.
Thank you, Creator Father, that you are with me and I am in you.
Thank you, Jesus, that you hold my hand and carry me in your robe.
Thank you, Holy Spirit, that you give power to heal and courage to keep going forward.
Thank you, God who holds our fears and carries us when it is difficult to walk.
Thank you for those in community with me who come along side.
Help me be aware of your presence. Always.
The last few days during my prayer time, I have imagined myself with Jesus surrounding me. It was like I was inside him, somehow. Jesus said, “I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one…” ~ John 17:20-22. In my image there was always a black line attached to him, somehow, and going around me. It was just there, and I didn’t pay any attention to it really. Finally, I asked myself what that line was doing there and the words “black belt” came to me. Jesus is wearing a black belt??? Maybe it’s mine. I need to meditate on this one for a bit longer.
“There is no amount of darkness that can extinguish the inner light. The important thing is not to spend our lives trying to control the environment around us. The task is to control the environment within us. ~Joan Chittister, OSB
Peace & Good, Donna