O LORD, you have searched me and known me!
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You discern my thoughts from afar.
You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue,
Behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.
You hem me in, behind and before,
And lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
It is high; I cannot attain it. ~ Psalms 139:1-6
You know that, especially since I’ve been sick, I talk about a lot about staying in the moment. I know that this moment is all I can count on. I can’t change the past though I have memories of it both good and bad. I can only project the future and perhaps do some minor planning. Perhaps I may have some influence on it. God is everywhere, past, present, and future but for the most part he is present to me today. Right now. Today, in the everyday events of my life, God is present.
It would be easy to think that if God is present with us in our day, and if we can stay focused, this should be a great day. We can hang on to the hem of his robe. We know he wants to heal us. We can relax into that right? But what if this day totally stinks. What if the only thing we can think to say to God, in our present awareness, is “What’s up with this? I thought you were my friend. I thought you loved me.” God listens to our rants but he rarely provides an answer. Some things are a mystery. As I have said before, these are mysteries not to be solved but to be lived. God has lots of these and he has things to teach us that we need to know, so we trust, at least part of the time that God knows what he is doing and march on.
Let me share a recent day or series of days, really. It was a stinky day and yet…I’ve been trying to make sense of it for days and it finally started to come together on Wednesday. This happened on Monday, September 25. I had a meeting at the office with two Soul Friends. We had been trying to have this meeting for three months or since I became ill. I didn’t feel on top of things but I didn’t want to reschedule. We hadn’t even started our meeting when I became violently sick. I knew I would need meds for nausea and vomiting as well as an ambulance. I asked my friends to call my husband to come get me. Then it got weird.
Dave got the wheel chair to take me to the car because I couldn’t stand. We got home, the ambulance came and I was in the hospital for five days with septic shock most likely caused by my cancer medication. They told Dave that I was very near death and none of them really expected me to make it. One doctor came into my room that night and said, “Good luck, tonight.” I thought that a very strange thing for a doctor to say to a patient. What none of them knew, and what I find difficult to describe, was that I had already made it.
So, let me back up to when I left the church in a wheel chair. The light was strange and I hadn’t really been able to describe it until now. I’m still not sure that I can. There seemed to be a focal point of very intense white light with rays of blue light radiating from it. It filled my whole vision. The light itself seemed like a star. The star was flashing or pulsating in some way but that image isn’t entirely right, either. I was being propelled toward it by a force. My hands were stretched out ahead of me as if I were trying to stop the forward motion. Then there was a greater force that grabbed me back from the light. I saw nothing, I just felt the forward motion jerk to a stop. This great force was loving and powerful. God? The power of a loving God? The power of prayer by His warriors? The power of love? All the above?
Was this light the light that others have mentioned in near-death experiences? Dave and I have talked about some of this. I remember bits and pieces of what went on around me in ICU. There was much I do not. My blood pressure was hardly detectable. They didn’t know if they could bring me back. They didn’t know that God had already made the decision. It was not my day to go. Not this day.
Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day
For darkness is as light with you. ~ Psalms 139:7-12
Peace and Good,