“Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God; for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.” ~ Psalm 43:5
This has honestly been the most frustrating and draining few weeks (or maybe year) that I have had in a very long time. We have not only had another tragic death in our family, and more in our church family as well, which is the worst of it. But, in addition, I had to buy a new computer and have been working on restoring that which was lost on the old computer from hell (if you don’t mind my saying). I finally have restored most address lists to the best of my ability. All of my writings for about a year were gone because they could not be recovered. I know, I should have backed them up. I was going to the day it died. I can recover them from my blog so not all is lost. But!
Then today, when I went to get my notes for this meditation from my tablet, they were not there. Nowhere! They are just gone. Done. Ok. Enough. It is what it is but, right now, I don’t have the energy to pick up and move on. What does an apprentice of Jesus do at times like these?
What does a person do when she knows that there are things for which she can be grateful but she can’t seem to get there? Well, I can be grateful that I am not lost; it only feels like it. I can be grateful that my broken heart will recover, but probably not today. I can be grateful that even though I feel picked on, I’m mostly sure that I’m not. I am grateful that even though there are moments when I can’t seem to feel God’s presence, God is still here. OK. Getting better. I can be grateful that, most of the time, I can get myself out of the house. I decide to post this rambling writing because if I don’t, since it’s been about three weeks, I might not get back to it. Ever.
I’m grateful for all the beautiful fall colors. They keep the grey from closing in. I love fall most years, but this one…I need this one. Then there are those crying periods. All the tears behind my eyes seem to be coming out of them and I can’t control them. I just am done. I want to quit. I also need to buy stock in Kleenex. Seriously, I know, I will pull out of this but I need some discernment on what God wants for me now.
“I love you, you know.” These words come as I write. I am sad because too many loved ones, yours and mine, have died. It’s the way of life I know, but. I don’t like it. Maybe my sadness comes from the work of transformation in my life—when I struggle with things I cannot seem to change, and God says, “My grace is sufficient for you, and I love you, you know.” A wise priest once said that grief is love left over and we don’t know where to put it. (something like that). True statement, I think.
So, I like how the Message puts Psalm 43:5, “Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul? Why are you crying the blues? Fix my eyes on God—soon I’ll be praising again. He puts a smile on my face. He’s my God.” Yes!!!