O God, you are my God; I earnestly search for you.
My soul thirsts for you; my whole body longs for you
in this parched and weary land where there is no water. ~ Psalm 63:1
I’m bored with myself. Truly. There has been too much that keeps me self-focused, and I’m very tired of that. I feel, and not only feel but am, very scattered. I can’t get my mind to quit racing like a runaway truck in the mountains on l-70 looking for the emergency escape ramp. I saw a truck that had used this once. Because of the change in momentum, it had turned over and spilled all of it innards. Mars candy bars! Chocolate! I really should have stopped to see if the driver needed help picking up, right?
Wednesday – A day in my life – one of those. I have started making more lists to keep me on track. Usually, I send myself an email from my phone because it is always with me and I probably won’t lose my list. But today, I wrote my list on a small yellow pad. I was rushing around like crazy, trying to do a few more things (start laundry, start dishwasher, etc.) before I left for the office, and I wanted to remember what I needed to do later. Writing a phone email slows me down. Hmm.
Escape ramp #1 – Awareness check – I had one more note to add to my list so I went to my note box (a note BOX– really??) and I couldn’t find the list. I had just written it. I looked everywhere I had been, but it wasn’t anywhere—one sure sign of stress I think. An image popped into my mind of wadding up a piece of yellow paper and throwing it into the trash. And sure enough, there it was. I wrote it and then, immediately, tossed it.
There two possible morals to this story. First, the stuff on the list doesn’t need doing – doubtful, or I don’t want to do them – probably, but I’ll check – hmm, some of each. Second, I’m not being mindful. I am crazy doing and not being aware. A third possibility just came to mind. Perhaps, I feel like chucking it all in the trash. A thought. I’m going with the second.
This is a rather humorous story, but a serious problem, not only for everyday life but, also, for my intimate relationship with God. I know why I am scattered and unaware at the moment and I don’t want to live in this space. What to do? Last week I wrote that silence, solitude, meditation and soul friends are a big help, always, but especially now. I had a wonderful meeting with soul friends on this Wednesday. Meditation is difficult because of my racing mind. A question: Did Jesus have this problem? He seemed so focused. He did often go away from the crowd to a quiet place to pray and regroup – silence, solitude, prayer. Maybe that’s why. Don’t we all need this? Don’t we all have times like these?
Escape ramp #2 – The power went out – the garage door wouldn’t open. I couldn’t finish getting ready for work and I couldn’t get the car out of the garage. Maybe this is a “slow down” and that did get my attention. Prayer and meditation required. The power came back on and I did get to work. Lesson noted.
“We can simply want our situation solved — when God simply wants to be our answer.” ~ Ann Voskamp