Don’t ask.

Heal me, Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise. – Jeremiah 17:14

Don’t ask for awareness unless you are ready for it.  But then, are we ever ready?  Except, I long for the Holy Light that comes.  It’s important for my spiritual growth, so I ask for it. All the time. It is interesting when God says that he needs inner space in you, so you need to get rid of these stuffed (read stuck) places.  Very interesting.

The thing is, we (or at least I) go along expecting God to tell me what he wants me to let go of so that (I) can. Funny me.  Sometimes that happens but other times…..Well, for instance, a couple of weeks ago, I left to attend the weekly healing service and Eucharist at church.  I had extra time and didn’t feel rushed.  There were several cars in the parking lot when I arrived where, usually, there are just two or three. I started to go into the chapel, but it was almost full of people and some were at the altar rail.  I wondered what was going on because I absolutely couldn’t make sense of what I saw.  A friend motioned me to come in, but….I turned and ran out the door and out of the church instead.  I was almost in panic.  I sat in the car for a minute and left.  What????

Did I think they wouldn’t notice when I ran down the hall like the proverbial bat out of the hot place?  When I could breathe again, I recognized God. God.  I am almost obsessed with not being late.  I would rather be an hour early than five minutes late. I get antsy if it is close to time for something and I’m not there yet. The problem is, I think, that I don’t want to draw attention to myself standing alone – late. People will look.  I know this problem and I handle it by being early.  No problem, right?  (FYI– the other three times during the week that I have to be at church is 9:30am.  The healing service is at 9am. I arrived at 9:20.)

I asked for this gift of awareness. I want to be aware of God in things and people around me.  I hadn’t intended to ask to be that aware of my inner self, did I?  Well perhaps I did when I asked Jesus to transform me into his image. God has been determined to heal me of buried feelings and fears the last few years. I had worked on many things and thought those finished. The problem wasn’t that I was late, it was that the feelings were so intense that I knew that I needed to listen to them.  I needed to be with Jesus to ponder them. I needed to pray.  I needed to be with God.  I needed silence! Silence! God does his best work in me when I come to him there – in prayer, and I can’t transform myself so….Why do I try?

Oswald Chambers said, “The only way we can be of use to God is to let Him take us through the crooks and crannies of our own characters. It is astounding how ignorant we are about ourselves! We do not know envy when we see it, or laziness, or pride. Jesus reveals to us all that this body has been harboring before His grace began to work. How many of us have learned to look in with courage? We have to get rid of the idea that we understand ourselves; it is the last conceit to go. The only One who understands us is God.”  I’ll say Amen to that.

~ Donna

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